We all have friends…well not all of us, some us are such big assholes that another human being would never want to interact with us out of fear of being alienated by actual nice people. But I do have friends that keep me thoroughly entertained, I dare not say keep me sane because there’s nothing sane about our group. We’re all just the right amount of dysfunctional and crazy to have formed a great bond. Want to talk about your sexual endeavors? Sure, pop it in the group. Want to talk about that asshat you had to deal with today? Go right ahead. Want to talk about the color of your pubes or what crazy new style you’re going to shave it in? (green Mohawk, fuck yeah!) Absolutely! Nothing is off limits. This is the kind of shit you need in your life. I know that I can talk about anything without being judged, at least that I’m aware of. They might be calling me a douche tank when I’m not looking or listening.
So let me share some snippets of our conversation, WARNING, if you are easily offended you should probably have stopped reading when I dropped the first “asshole” in the post. I’m not responsible for the kind of imagery your brain will conjure up after reading our inappropriateness.
This all started when we talked about going to Walmart in bermuda shorts or…naked. I wouldn’t be surprised if we showed up on People Of Walmart – Canada Edition Eh (this is not a thing yet, maybe we should petition?).
Erin: You get naked in the shower?!?
Me: Just sometimes
Erin: Wtf kinda group is this???? My virgin eyes!
Me: Virgin my ass. Wait, that came out wrong. LMFAO. This group provides me with hours of entertainment.
Erin: My cherry is pushed so far back I could us it as a tail light. (this is the kind of shit that makes me wonder, what does that even look like?)
We can be supportive as well if needed (Don’t laugh, we’re good people damn it). Like that time that some dude was admiring Erin through Facebook…over a period of years…but never friended her on Facebook. Clearly the man is a psycho. See a picture of what I imagine this guy to look like based on some description I may or may not have received.
For obvious reasons I shall be omitting some personal information (If it’s not obvious, we don’t want to fucking share personal shit so another stalker pops up)
Erin: I was about to delete a message I received through messenger but decided to read it first…
Psycho troll: hi an how are u? sorry to bother u, just curious if u always a (insert any fake last name here that you like) or married one, reason i ask is because many years ago i met a Erin (and another fake last name here, or whatever you like) an a (another fake name here – this is like some inception shit) in (insert a fake place here – Balls Falls Ont – this place is very real by the way). pls let me know.
Erin: When I was 16 or 17, my friends and I used to hang out in (Whoville)…about 30 minutes from home…no joke..I met this guy maybe twice, he was older I think, about 21.
Me: This man had a long plan. I call it, a pants full of plans. Patient motherfucker.
Erin: He keeps saying how nice it is that we are chatting again…like dude, I didn’t know who you were then and I don’t want to know who you are now (psycho alert!)
Me: You should give me his name, I’ll call him and tell him to leave my wife alone LOL
Erin: You would do that?
Me: Totally, I’m an asshole. I must have been a cat in my prior life.
Susan: I’ll call and be the partner/gf. Crazy bitch in life. Crazy bitch in life to be honest is not a stretch.
Then there’s this crazy shit that just randomly makes it into the group that makes you realize truly how fucked up you really are. It’s the kind of stuff that makes you think about all the useless shit that’s stored in your brain. See below.
Erin: Wouldn’t that sting?
Me: You would think so. I looked up Angel’s Erotic Solutions after I googled her.
Who would have thought that all a man need is a grapefruit. I’m not saying I’ve fucked a grapefruit, not yet anyways. At least a grapefruit can’t argue or tell me it has a headache. Watch this video below and have some sexual knowledge bestowed upon you. You’re welcome.
All I can say is that she sounds like a cheap garburator that can’t quite chop it all up, it’s terrifying. I’m probably not sleeping after that shit.
I hope this has provided you with some chuckles and entertainment to see what we see pretty much every day.
Hopefully the next post will be just as entertaining or even more so.
Till the next post, Stay crazy!
Shaun's Corner 